Post by steele alexander wilson on Dec 16, 2010 21:55:36 GMT -5
STEELE ALEXANDER WILSON
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STEELE , NINETEEN , NEW YORK UNIVERSITY STUDENT , KRISTINE
(written progressively through different stages of his life)
dear future self,
by the time you are reading this, i hope you've forgiven me for all those times you warned me and i did not listen. i guess it's even appropriate to say "i told you so," but for my sake, please don't. i know what i've been doing is wrong, but it's over now. i got what i deserved. i knew sooner or later it would end up biting me in the ass, but i did not expect it to hurt this much. matthew officially dumped me and i've never felt more alone in my life. i was an idiot for believing that the guy i lost my virginity to would be with me for the rest of my days, but as soon as he got what he wanted, he threw me out like yesterday's trash. i've never felt so violated in my life. what if he had like a disease and now transferred it to me? i would never find love again. serves me right, always thinking i can change someone and believing the lies even though i knew i shouldn't. after matthew, there was chris. chris and i just met at the wrong time in my life. if only we had waited a few years to meet, when i am ready to settle down, he'd be perfect for me. though he loved me unconditionally, when he found out what i had been doing to my body, he wanted nothing to do with me. how did i let things get so bad that i resorted to prostitution and the selling of my body? maybe i'm just not meant to love. maybe the only reason i exist is to pleasure guys for compensation. i was such a crowd pleaser in bed, usually doing whatever they asked of me. some of the things i did cost extra, but i had very loyal and satisfied customers. i did not like working the streets, but the extra money helped me pull my life back together after coming out to my christian parents years ago. i haven't spoken to my parents since they kicked me out of their house. with the money i saved up, i was able to pay for my first semester at the new york university. finally, the first thing i did for myself. if you are reading this, you've finally planned out the rest of your life, accomplishing things i've only dreamed about doing. maybe even a husband in mind and a successful career, raising two kids. all i ask of you, future self, is to forgive me, your past. until then, i'll take what i can get.
with love,
steele a. wilson
june 2, 2009
dear diary,
i met this boy today who sort of swept me off my feet. i was running a bit late to class, that i carelessly crossed the streets without looking in either direction. i was about to step in front of a car, when i felt someone grab my arm and yank me back. i looked back and there he was, at first yelling at me, but then our eyes met and everything stopped for a moment. go ahead and laugh, but it was love at first sight. he told me his name was matthew, and i told him mine. he was a few years older than me, a junior in college, but he offered to walk me the rest of my way to class. on the way to the school, he did the most romantic things ever. he held my hand when we crossed the street; put his jacket on a puddle so my feet wouldn't get wet; and even hold the door open for me when we got to school. i hope i get to see him again soon.
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june 4, 2009
dear diary,
matthew was waiting outside my school when i got outside. he was standing by a corvette. he told me he couldn't stop thinking about me since we met the other day and he really wanted to take me out. of course i accepted. we went to this fancy dim lit restaurant where the water was twleve dollars a glass. he told me to order whatever i wanted off the menu. after dinner, he took me back to his place and we cuddled on his sofa while we watched a movie. i'm telling you, i've really hit the jackpot. matthew is not only tall, dark, and handsome, but he's rich beyond belief! he's taking me out again tomorrow!
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august 10, 2009
dear diary,
sorry for not writing in you for so long. matthew and i have been spending a lot of time together. you can say we're practically inseperable. in fact he's downstairs sitting on my couch, but i had to sneak up here and write because he wants me to go out of town with him for a few days and i had to tell someone! he's taking me to his cabin on a lake. i'm so excited. i'll be gone, so i won't write to you, but i'll tell you everything when i get back!
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august 15, 2009
dear diary,
i'm back. omg, matthew and i had the most wonderful time. we spent the entire time snowed in his cabin. a huge blizzard swept through pretty good, leaving us stranded in the cabin for a few days. we kept warm by cuddling together in front of the fire and drinking hot chocolate. nevertheless, it was the most romantic experience of my life. i didn't even get to tell you the best part! we made love for the first time! i was magical, way better than i ever expected. it was even better the second time! then i can't remember how many times afterward, but that did not matter, i'm in love.
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august 16, 2009
dear diary,
i know it's only been a day since i've seen matthew, but he hasn't called me or showed up at my house yet. i hope nothing bad happened to him. i'm so scared. i tried calling him, but it goes straight to voicemail. omg, i really hope he didn't get hurt. oh, i need to stop worrying. he'll be here, i know he will. he just got caught up in traffic and left his cell phone at home. yeah, that's it. he'll be here to calm me down.
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august 17, 2009
dear diary,
it's the second day i haven't spoken to matthew. i went to his house last night and his mother hasn't seen him. i don't know what to do. he could be hurt somewhere. someone might've beat him up on his way back from walking me home the other night and left him there to die with his last request to see me. i've got to go find him!
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august 18, 2009
dear diary,
i went out to look for matthew and found him with another guy. when i approached him, he told me to go away. i told him i loved him and he told me i was just a side project he was doing for fun. he used me for sex. never has my heart broken so hard before. then he asked me to stop calling him and he wanted nothing to do with me. it was a casual game for him. he calls it his way of getting back at the society. what he does is he finds a guy who's fairly cute, takes them out to dinner, gets into their heads until they think they're in love and then turns them gay. he says i should be thanking him, but how could i? before matthew, i was a virgin, i hadn't even had sex with a girl yet and now thanks to him i can't even know what that feels like!
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