CARR, DAVID STEWART

[DAVID STEWART CARR]

DAVID STEWART CARR
---------------------------------------------------
DAVE , TWENTY , NYU STUDENT , DONCAMATIC/THE DON

[/color][/center]

stewart was my dad's name. my caring, loving, horrible, treacherous dad. the only reason i am why i am is because of him. its his fault. it was always his fault. he always said how much i disappointed him, and, completely blinded by his fear of having a son that might be different, having a family that was unlike anyone else's, he sent me away.
through all my protesting, even through all my tears, he sent me away. he sent me away in the name of his lord, jesus fucking christ in god damned heaven so i wouldn't be different from anyone else. a christian camp. a horrible place. before i went i was a good boy. i obeyed, i loved and i had my own wonderful, beautiful, understanding girlfriend who i couldn't bear to lose, to be away from. when i came back i was, by the definition the adults gave us at the camp; an abomination. i am a fucking monster. i'm hell-bound. i'm a spawn of satan bent on turning all men on their wives to have disgusting, wretched sex with all the men they golf with.
i hate myself. i hate my parents and i hate ben for what he did to me. i couldn't help myself, please believe me, i really couldn't. he had beautiful gray eyes, his lips were so warm to the touch, his beautiful chocolate brown hair and the voice that made my arms shake and my body ache with longing, i got lost. i got lost in his feeling. in all the grief that pulsed through my body, in missing my jude, missing the way we would hold hands and walk through the streets after school. i'd always walk her home, even though we lived on opposite ends of the city. ben you ruined me. ben you made me cheat on the girl i fell in love with at first sight. i hate you ben. you make me look at other boys as if they're pieces of meat, because you turned me into this abomination with your soft breath on my neck and your fingers through my hair.

when i returned to judith i was afraid for her. my hands shook when i met her, when she hugged me and told me how much she missed me. when her lips kissed mine i only could think of the lips that belonged to ben. i was wrecked. broken.
"judith, please help me." i begged her. i convinced myself that because i let ben enter me for the first time, if i lay down with judith i would be better. i would be cured, reversed. i could forget about ben and the way his tongue formed words so perfectly in that accent of his. i hate you ben.

but when judith let me lay her down
i could only think of ben.

i prayed to God. he didn't listen to me. "God help me, please God help me." he ignored me. he ignored me because of what ben had made me, ben, the devil's son. ben, the boy with the beautiful eyes and the warm touch. i hate you. ben.
judith was my everything, i didn't want to lose her. i fear for her heartbreak, i fear for my own eternal damnation, so i said to her
"judith, please help me," and she sacrificed her own beauty to help me. she cut her hair, it looked like ben's. her beautiful eyes, they were brilliant without eyeshadow and liner and mascara like they used to wear. they were naked. like ben's.
i could see she would do anything for me.
i begged her
"judith, please help me." and she crumpled up her dreams like a useless piece of paper and attended NYU with me. i wanted so badly to keep her from being heartbroken, i love her so much i can't let myself leave her but i know what i am now.
dad, are you happy? do you see what you've done to me? in all your paranoia you forced me to become what you feared. i haven't called my dad since i left for college. i hate my dad.

and God.
oh, God do i hate you, ben.